The magic went away, but I am here to stay.

Happy 2018!

I seem to have developed a pattern here- I just went back and read my old New Year post from 2017, and it was on the first day I went back to work. Today, I am writing my annual New Year reflection on the weekend before I go back to work. It is currently 1:39 AM, and as I’ve just written on my journal (yes, I’ve started to write in my diary again- old school pen and paper), I had experienced yesterday/today something that I always told the people I see at work…something about the importance of socializing and how it really helps to boost your mood.

Anyway, if I was to sum up 2017- it started optimistic with me thinking that I could pick up this new practice. I could see the many benefits of it, but I guess the fact that it was something I had to do, rather than something I really wanted to do for myself, made it harder for me to truly embrace it. I’m proud of myself for giving it a good, committed go. I know I did not give up, and that everything I did, I did with heart.

But in the end, I had to say no.

And that was something of a theme in 2017. Someone wise once told me, ‘you are allowed to leave home’. Without divulging into too much detail, I realized that I’ve let myself become too entangled. I am over responsible. I’ve been trying to push what I believe is the right way of treating others too much, that it’s like the message only bounces back angrily from a stone-cold wall. I must believe that people can take care of themselves, and I should take care of me. I did some things really well, but in the end, it may have led to an over-dependence. I have to tell myself- you’ve done all that you can, you can relax.

I was better at saying no in other areas; doesn’t mean that it was any easier. They say it is good to do something that scares you. Well, I may have done 4 things in total that have scared me. I said no to an opportunity because after weighing all the facts, it did not seem like the best one for me. I was actually surprised I went through the whole process, and in the end, I learned that maybe I was better than I thought, that I deserved a little credit.

I no longer want to be pushed around or to simply ‘slide into’ things. At least I found something that I believe is worth pursuing. I need to challenge myself more.

2017 was also great in so many ways. But it was the first new year’s eve that I didn’t feel too excited. It felt as if the magic of greeting a new year left me, and I felt jaded, pessimistic. Of course things won’t magically change and become alright, just because the clock strikes twelve.

I was sad for a while. But only for a while, I have come to accept that this is the way things are for now. They will change, eventually. And all this might not matter in the long run. Maybe they’re growing pains too.

I know I’m here to stay. No major changes. Small steps have already been built during the latter part of the year, and this is where things will matter.



(P.S.- this post sounds melodramatic, but my life is not horrible. Far from it! It’s probably from writing this post at 2AM, but I couldn’t help it… I hadn’t felt the urge to simply write and type for a while, so I’m giving myself the space to do that. Feels good 🙂 I hope to write more this year…even if it’s only to write in my journal!)